she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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