'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
