I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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