mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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