I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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