I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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