dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
