he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
