When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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