My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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