Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
