Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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