I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
