All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
