Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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