dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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