Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize