I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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