my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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