I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
