I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
