I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
