I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
