even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
