Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
