I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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