I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
