he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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