I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
