If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
