Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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