I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
