so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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