You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
They have beer where we have blood.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
