I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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