our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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