The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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