So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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