Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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