Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
