Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think i got beer on your cat.
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