We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
