literally had 100 drinks last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
