allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
