i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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