eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
