Who wears a wallet chain?!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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