Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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