I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
