a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
