i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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