shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
where are my eyebrows?
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