he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
