Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
