I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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