hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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