yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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