How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
