Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
