She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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