Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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