do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
