I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize