I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
