after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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