I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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