The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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