Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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