First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
