how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
pop tarts are not kleenex
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
